Damn Fragile Actor Egos

Ok...so I went to call backs tonight, Against my better judgement, and sat through all of the regular shit. Reading, after reading of the same old stuff while I wait to find out exactly what I was sure was going to happen. Then just before handing out scripts Jan gaves us the same old speech, "If you didn't get a part it isn't because you aren't good, it's because you just didn't fit what we were looking for. My greatest fear is someone not excepting a role that I give them." BULLSHIT. Then she asks me to play Thesius. Ok..so Thesius opens the show...he's on for like 2 pages...then he leaves. Then he comes back for the last 15 or so pages. So that would leave me sitting backstage for 2-3 hours. Through the rest of the casting I sat and stewed...very angry..very very angry...Her son Ben got Demetrius...big suprise there...A gay guy got Flute. Which would be fine if he wasn't the only character who absolutley should not under any circumstances WANT to be a woman. I'll get back to who got what in a few minutes...Most of which I am very very happy about. So I left almost immedietly after the casting and went out to my car and tried to hold it together. Amber and Nathan walk up...Amber was upset cause she didn't get cast. I held it together through all of that. My original plan was to stay there until everyone cleared out and then let Jan have it. That didn't work out...cause I had to go and tell a few people congrats on their parts...cause I truly was happy for them. Well the first person I get to is Cindy..one I am happy for and she says she is sorry I got shafted..again..basically. Then Jessica walks up, a great little girl and gifted dancer and says "Eric please take the part."...that was all I could take...I said "I can't afford to take a part to drive 45 minutes to sit on my ass backstage for 3 hours." and then the tears started. I walked away before they got to bad and got in my car and circled the block a few times..trying to regain control. I did and I came back and parked. Kyle walks up and gets in my car tells me that I did really well with auditions, that he understands if I don't take the roll, and no matter what I do he is behind me. The first true heart to heart Kyle and I have had. One that was very unexpected...we have actually become friends...it's great and wierd all at the same time. I hold it together pretty well while he is in the car..only a few tears...and the quiet strong ones. Then Brittany comes up to the window to tell me she still loves me...and same old stuff. It's cool..I thanked her..told her I would be fine...got out of the car and hugged her. Then I got back in....Billy knocked on the window and I waved bye to him..he left, I lost it. Strong quiet tears still..but a lot of them. Then Jen walked up to the window. Saw me crying. I rolled down the window a little bit and told her I would be fine and drove away. She called me on my cell. I told her I would be fine. I just needed to cool off...so I was driving around downtown Clermont trying to regain control. She convinced me to come back and talk. I pulled in and her and Nathan were sitting there waiting. I opened the door and got about three words out before I lost it...and not in the strong quiet way. I spilled all of the stuff that has been killing me for months. How I am tired of everyone telling me how great an actor I am and me never getting cast. How I always get the last part...the part that's left. The one no one wants. This is what I want to do with my life...and things like this make me reconcider that. I know that Moonlight doesn't matter at all..but it does. If I keep accepting nothing roles I will constantly be tied up at Moonlight...leaving me in Clermont my whole life doing nothing with it. How I spent 5000 dollars on acting classes in college...and that's not a lot of money I know...as far as acting classes go..but it is a lot to me. And how I have nothing to show for it...cause I still get cast as nothing. I cried, I choked, I lost it...all of this with Jen's hand on my shoe and Nathan's near my shoulder...everyone very worried about my fragile mind. Joking at one point saying, "Just us actor's and our fragile ego's." Then Jan walked up. She came up and said to me, "You want to take this home and look over it." I said, "No. I have it at home...I've read it several times. Thanks." She said, "Well I gave you that part cause you said you didn't want a small part...that's why I didn't give you one of the mechanics. I know it's hard when you don't get the part you want. But it's hard not to give peope the part they want too. You can't always get the part you want." I said, "I know Jan. I've been doing it a while now." She said, "Well you need to tell me if you want this part of not by tomorrow...cause I am calling people." Ok...now I don't know if you noticed in the reading...but where I said..."I know Jan. I've been doing it for a while now." that was a really hard point. I almost lost it and told her exactly how mad I was right then and there and why. But I didn't...cause I have control...and no balls...or big balls..i don't know right now. ANYWAY. I held it together. Told Jen and Nathan I would be fine...and drove away...calling everyone to make sure they knew I was fine. Now on a happier note. I am glad Alex got Puck. Great kid, great job. Love him to death. If I have kids and they are anything like him..I'll die happy. I am glad Cindy got Titania and Nathan got Oberon, well cast. I am glad Jen got Hermia, and Andrew got Bottom. Good to see them give Andrew a role that has a little substance to it...and glad to see Jen getting parts that she deserves. Billy...they screwed him just as much as they screwed me. He deserved to be a lover. He read it very very well...he really did. He was cast as Quince. A good role...but not what he deserved..and if politics didn't factor in. HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THAT ROLE. But they do...cause we are in a nothing theater in the middle of nowhere that amounts to nothing in the big picture. And that's how I feel right now. I have lost my safe haven of acting, my home away from home. It is dead and gone and I feel it will not be returning ever again.