What I Know

Burning behind my eyes,
pushing the orbs of my soul.
Deprevation of rejuvenation,
making my visage seem old.
Where am I going?
Why do I go?
What is the value?
How do I know?
My head feels heavy,
heavier by the day.
Laden with questions,
expectations I can't delay.
Is school where I'm going?
Why do I go?
Is my learning of value?
How do I know?
My soul burning, wanting.
A life I could reach.
A world filled with heroes,
Antagonists, music, and speech.
Is theater where I'm going?
Why do I go?
Is my talent of value?
How do I know?
I want someone to share with,
to hold and hold me
Someone who knows me,
better than I could ever see.
Is love where I'm going?
Why do I go?
Is my person of value?
How do I know?
All I know is I'm wanting.
For what, I don't know.
Just have a yearning,
A daily, sharp blow.
I don't know where I'm going.
I don't know why I go.
I don't know the value.
That is all that I know.
-Me

Wait...A Grown Up Job?! You Mean Like...With Benefits And Shit

So it looks like I will be working at a new coffee shop/sandwich shop concept called Volcanos. I am not going to post the whole thing on here...but they have great coffee..that they roast inhouse..which is cool. I am going to help to standardize their menu and be the area manager for a minimum of 3 stores, including their flagship store right in the heart of downtown in a highrise building that is complete with a movie theater, condo's, and several other retail stores. It's gonna be great..very exciting. This is a great way to get into the business...they hope to open a lot of stores in the next few years and I will be managing a lot of them. Gonna be making some money..very, very excited about being comfortable. Anyway..J.P and I are gonna play some scrabble. Blog later.

But Now...I Hurt

I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to do.
I want to slip into nothingness
And just stop wanting you.
I feel betrayed.
I feel mislead.
I don't understand this life
that leaves my insides dead.
I'm tired,
I'm hollow,
and forever searching blind.
Not waiting,
not looking,
but this forever on my mind.
Once I felt young,
Once free,
my feelings overt.
The error was revealed,
but now...I hurt.

Uh...Excuse Me God...I Think You Forgot To Throw In That Order of Patience

I like to be able to view things..knowing the factors in play...so I can make my next move. Kind of a birds eye view of the board and the pieces. When I was a child I was the same way..I was the kid who, before he even touched the playdough, had a complete blueprint of what he was going to build..complete with measurements and color-coding. So I have always known that I have no patience. No patience for stupidity, no patience for lack of drive, no patience for a lot of things. But first and foremost, I have no patience for relationships and waiting for them to develop. Within 5 days I want to know where this is going, if the other person is thinking about me when I'm not there, if the other person misses me at all or if I am just a passing fancy. I've always been like this..and I try to ease the blow by saying things like "I know this sounds stupid..." or "So, just for kicks, I was thinking..." or some other line before I say things that I am afraid is going to send people running for the hills.

I just don't understand why those things scare people away. I guess it's just cause if I want to know something....I assume they want to know it. And as I find myself wondering, "Are they missing me at all right now?"...cause I am sure as hell missing them..so I tack an "I miss you a little..lol" to the end of a message. And seeing as I try to make sure that if I have some spare time I offer it to them, I say things like "You free tonight?"..which I just see as an open ended invite..no pressure...for real..but some see that and go.."God...He wants to see me again?!?" That's cause I want to see them daily....it's just who I am..when I with someone..I'm with them... Anyway...this is something I felt was blog worthy...maybe something else will come along soon.