So I have been rereading this blog over the past few days and what a journey it has been. A lot of it is missing...gaps left by disinterest on my part or being to excited or devestated to write. I went from a confused young man who was desperate to conform to what everyone else thought he should be to man who, though sometimes still confused, knows exactly who he is and takes pride in it. I came out to my parents. I loved and lost several times, all significant but one life changing. I am now out on my own. My own apartment and my own life. I'm still filling pages...so keep turning them. :-)
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
A Letter To Him
Dear Him,
You know that I have fallen. It is obvious to everyone around us. You are everything that I want and need. You tell me I am perfect. You buy me gifts and make excuses for us to spend time together. Just fall with me. There are no more of me in the world. There are no more of you in the world. We are it. I have been gone since the moment you kissed me in the game...and then you found yourself 24 hours later because you are scared. I am waiting. I am hoping and wishing and praying and screaming inside hoping that you will just let yourself fall. Just give up and let yourself want what you wanted 3 months ago. I know I shouldn't be waiting. I know that I should move on. But I also know that you are one in a hundred million billion and if I walk away...that could be it. I see our future. I see what it could be if we let it. It could be laughing and late night video games and food and desserts and friends and love...so much love. I hold back constantly now. I don't say any of this for fear of frightening you away but I see it. You are truly the kindest, sweetest, most beautiful person I have met up to this point in my life. You were wrong when you told me I was perfect. I am only one yes away from that. If you aren't "the one" then the universe has quite the surprise in mind for me. But I found you by accident, I fell by accident, and I am hoping you find this by accident and let yourself fall again.
Sincerely falling,
The Yes That Needs To Be Said
P.S.-This letter has been sponsored by Tequila, a cold night, and impatience.
You know that I have fallen. It is obvious to everyone around us. You are everything that I want and need. You tell me I am perfect. You buy me gifts and make excuses for us to spend time together. Just fall with me. There are no more of me in the world. There are no more of you in the world. We are it. I have been gone since the moment you kissed me in the game...and then you found yourself 24 hours later because you are scared. I am waiting. I am hoping and wishing and praying and screaming inside hoping that you will just let yourself fall. Just give up and let yourself want what you wanted 3 months ago. I know I shouldn't be waiting. I know that I should move on. But I also know that you are one in a hundred million billion and if I walk away...that could be it. I see our future. I see what it could be if we let it. It could be laughing and late night video games and food and desserts and friends and love...so much love. I hold back constantly now. I don't say any of this for fear of frightening you away but I see it. You are truly the kindest, sweetest, most beautiful person I have met up to this point in my life. You were wrong when you told me I was perfect. I am only one yes away from that. If you aren't "the one" then the universe has quite the surprise in mind for me. But I found you by accident, I fell by accident, and I am hoping you find this by accident and let yourself fall again.
Sincerely falling,
The Yes That Needs To Be Said
P.S.-This letter has been sponsored by Tequila, a cold night, and impatience.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Born Husband
Everyone has those things that they are just naturally gifted in. Some people can sing with perfect pitch. Some people can play a piece of music after only hearing it once. Some people can dance beautifully from their soul with very little effort. I was born to be someone's Husband. Now don't get me wrong when I say this. I am not saying that I don't do stupid things. That I don't have petty arguments and make passive aggressive comments from time to time. But what I DO do is always...without fail...put my partner first and believe that they are doing the same for me. For me a relationship is just that...putting someone's needs ahead of your own. If both people in the relationship are doing that for the other person then everyone's needs are met and the relationship thrives. I feel like where we have gone astray with feelings as a whole is that we have tried to rationalize them. Feelings follow no rational. That is why they are called feelings. Think about it...LOVE as I, and many others, have described it...is to willingly turn off the MOST root instinct we have. The instinct to preserve and protect ourselves no matter what. That instinct is diverted. We take care of someone other than ourselves. That is CRAZY....but it is what we do. Love isn't rational. It is dirty. It is messy. It is insane. It is unpredictable. It is the most wonderful feeling anyone has ever felt anywhere. Yet we constantly try to understand it...rather than just let it be. Why be scared of being hurt if the potential prize is to have someone to watch out for you forever? I am not saying that THE ONE will never hurt you...they will...many, many times...but it is about how they handle their mistakes...how you communicate as a unit...how you LOVE one another.
I love without shame. I love without fear or walls or time limits. I take off my breastplate and expose the meaty, beating bits beneath and let them do what they will. Because in my soul I have to believe that that is the only way. I will not let them break me...I will let them teach me. I will continue to charge open-hearted into battle and fight for the love I know is there. Some say I fall too fast. I say that the leap is a lot easier if you aren't afraid of where you will land and know that if no one catches you, you are perfectly capable of getting up and leaping again with the lessons you learned on the way down.
I love without shame. I love without fear or walls or time limits. I take off my breastplate and expose the meaty, beating bits beneath and let them do what they will. Because in my soul I have to believe that that is the only way. I will not let them break me...I will let them teach me. I will continue to charge open-hearted into battle and fight for the love I know is there. Some say I fall too fast. I say that the leap is a lot easier if you aren't afraid of where you will land and know that if no one catches you, you are perfectly capable of getting up and leaping again with the lessons you learned on the way down.
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