Actively Waiting

So I am going to wait this out. The not having money, the worry about my job, the trying my damnedest to get things to work, the worrying, the pinching, the clenching, the hating....I am going to wait it out. I have great people around...I can make this work. My life is good...things are getting better at work...the artistic juices are flowing. We will see what comes of that.

I am eagerly awaiting winter...well...Florida winter. It is a shadow of what a true winter is...but I love it. The crispness in the air, not having to use the A/C, dressing in layers, snuggling up in bed for that extra 5 minutes before you run barefooted across the cold carpet to a hot shower. And who knows..maybe I'll have someone to cuddle up with for that last 5 minutes...other than Blot. Christmas show is right around the corner...I will be rapping in the show..that should be..interesting. I feel my prowess in dancing has increased...though my rankings does not show that...but who am I to say. I love my job..when I get to do it...and I wouldn't mind the escorting if I wasn't making the same to escort characters now that my dad made in custodial over 30 years ago at Disney. Things will get better...a fortune cookie told me.

Results from the Christmas audition should be very very soon...they said 2 weeks..and that would be Tuesday..so...hopefully I will know something by then. And now..for a poem...cause I felt like it.

Waking from a dreaming dance,
the air cool and crisp,
snuggling under a cotton sea,
the waves warmer each wisp.
Time wishing to stand still,
the sea of sand still flows.
when this dance of tides will end,
only the snoozer does know.
A barefooted run across the ice,
that crunches and surrounds your toes.
Into a fall of warmest showers,
the dreaming finally coming to close.
Wrapped in wool,
you start your day.
Each moment clearer still.
Each solid breath,
bringing you closer,
to the dance of dreams you fill.

Eh...I've written better...oh well.

Exhausted

So I am finding that letting go of things is much easier if no one is involved. I am probably asked 4 to 5 times a week why I am not going back to the place that I once called my theatrical home. Not saying names...cause..well..it isn't necessary. Here are a few ramblings that came from my last conversation with someone relatively new to the theater.

"M: why aren't you coming back? tired of the drama?

Eric: Pretty much. it's not the place I found when I was younger....it's twisted...it changed...I can't be there.

M: it has changed...even since i first got there, i feel.

Eric: It's just not the place I loved.

It's a dark and twisted version of what I remember...my wonderland became my hell.

M: wow that's pretty intense

Eric: You don't understand how much that place meant to me when I was little.

M: you're right...i have no idea

Eric: I had no where to go...no one to listen to me... no way to express myself...and I found (theater name)...and finally..I could be me.

M: sounds like you described a great place
or...what used to be, anyway

Eric: Whether it ACTUALLY was or not..I don't know...but for me..it was.

It was my wonderland. Beautiful and mysterious...terrible and frightening...a place where what I thought was not what I thought and what I knew was not what I imagined."

That sums it up in yet another way if anyone was still wondering....and reading. lol. Remember that that came from 48 hours and 5 hours sleep. Anyway...I thought that part of what I said was fairly artistic...so I'd post it.

Forgotten Things

So I have been thinking alot lately about my life and the things that are important to me. I have recently discovered that what really matters to me is having people I love around me...and for them to be happy. And in that I am truly blessed. I think I have found a core group of friends that I can depend on whenever, for whatever, no matter what.

And I love them. I truly do. Fen Fen with her hours and hours of spectacular conversation and movies and beauty and just being together and knowing everything we say is safe and heartfelt and honest. L and K with video games, and tv, and 80's show times, and food, and beer, and scary stuff, and creativity that would fill most till there was nothing left but shards of over-expanded consciousness. DJ with judabequa, and drunk colette, and improv, and laughter, and fun, and brilliance, M with her honesty, and listening, and humour, and just everything that is wonderful and brilliant about her. Sarah always being there for me...at home or not and knowing that I can say anything I want to her as well...even the difficult roommate things and she's ok. B..even though he drives me crazy sometimes...knowing he has my back if necessary...and I probably won't even have to ask. And really...there are just to many beautiful, funny, brilliant, wonderful people to mention her right now. They are what is keeping me afloat. I am happy alone...that's something I learned to be...but they definetly make life better than happy. I love you all.

I know this is random..and new...and unexpected..and probably a little jarring and stalkery...but still..there it is. And I know it's ok...cause I have lain myself out before these folks before...and am sure I will again.

The Fall of Winter

It's days like today that make me want furniture for my balcony. It's a beautifully clear day with a hint of chill in the air. Just enough that you consider a long sleeve shirt so you can feel like you are still cuddled up under your comforter. I could take my dog to a dog park but then I'd have to share this day with others...and I know that sounds selfish but I am in Florida and don't get many of these beautiful days and I want it to be all for me. I will sit in my livingroom, eating chili and reading a good book while gently patting Blot on the head. Days like today make me glad to be who I am and where I am.

One Of Two

So you know those couples where there are two people but when referred to they are always referred to the same way? One person is always the other one's significant other? For example when referring to Steve he is always referred to as Betsy's boyfriend. Betsy is never Steve's girlfriend. Or Brad is always Tom's boyfriend and Tom is never Brad's boyfriend. Those things tend to show themselves in the relationship itself...one person kind of falling into a dark patch of the other person's shadow. I have refused to be this my whole life...is that why I don't have anyone? I'm curious..I mean I have seen many a couple who doesn't have that distinction...they are equally represented in the relationship..however most of those couples fight a lot and are happy..but not as happy as they could be if one would relinquish power I suppose. I don't know...just something that is bothering me tonight..as I sit her alone...about to crawl into my big queen size bed alone...and sleep alone..yet again. I am tired of being disappointed.

Barely Breathing

I find myself barely breathing lately. Constantly with my nose just above the waters of life. I know that this a common thing in these hard times where the flood of bills and expenses is rising higher and higher each day, but I find it particularly taxing in reference to my own life. Every time I think I have found a shallow spot I lose my footing and slip, surfacing sputtering, coughing, and disoriented. I am tired of being a have not. I am tired of working constantly doing something I love but never having the money to enjoy the rest of my life. I am tired of it..but I wouldn't give it up for anything. That is a strange sensation. I truly do love my job...I truly do love every minute of every day that I am out being who I am. It saddens me that other people, ranked higher than me, don't have the same experience and could care less that they are there and that they have been given such a great chance. We are something that few people get to be...we are children's idols...we are who they love...we are who they rush to see every morning...we are who they snuggle up with at night just before sleep..we are heroes. That should be something that you feel honored to be..not something you do from 9-5 to make ends meet. I for one am honored...and know that that means very little in this industry..but still...I am honored.

Long Time Coming....

I am constantly reminded that I have lost my Eden. The place that I once thought was beautiful, full of life, beauty, natural art...it is twisted forever. The person I once thought a direct line to all knowledge constantly reminds me with a forked tongue that they are no more than a serpent. I continue to go to this oasis hoping to quench a thirst that I see others lacking but all I find is sand and dust. There are those there that are desperately drilling trying to find the fertile soil that once not only produced it's beautiful variations of sustenance but supported every vine and branch in the garden no matter how young, old, green, or out of place they seemed. Unfortunately it appears that the dust has taken over and most of the life that once teamed through this place has long found other patches of green. The few who struggle there don't reach their potential. They are beaten down by harsh winds, be it in the light they are dried out under the brutal visage of the unrelenting heat of the sun, or at night when the they experience the bitter cold of the glaring stars that sit in the heavens in their 12 thrones. These titans not even able to decide if what they feel is right among themselves constantly throwing fire and bitter waves of radiation.

I thought I had found a chance of survival for the place I once knew in a seedling that was budding. However I see now that it will never be able to reach it's full potential. It will only be weeded out until everything looks like everything else. A desolate wasteland of angry sand and resentful winds. And this saddens me to the core.