Waiting...

So lately I feel like I am waiting. Waiting for a person, waiting for a job, waiting for a new place, waiting for money, waiting for the waiting to end. I feel like I need to grab hold of my life and veer it into the direction I want to go...but I am not really sure how to do that right now. Work is going well...cause it's Halloween Horror Nights and that always goes well. School is still on the back burner for a few more weeks and then I am going back to finish a degree I am not really sure I am going to use. I don't know how I feel about finishing something simply for the fact of finishing...but that's what I am doing. Actually..I do know how I feel about finishing for that reason...and it's not good. But that seems to be the best course of action at this moment. My friends are good..though complicated. My love life is...complicated if not nonexistant. I keep waiting for my parent's land to sell so that I can start over. Everything paid off...with some money in my pocket and a new place to live..with Blot and Sam. I will be moving...when it sells...I am leaving Florida. New York, California, Chicago..I don't know..but I am going to be done with this place. I love some things about it..mostly the people...and Universal..but still... I was talking to someone the other day at work and I constantly find myself saying things and then going...that's good advice...why don't I do that? The current piece of advice was "Why not do something when you have the opportunity? Why stay somewhere simply because that's where you are? When you can go...go." So that's what I am going to do. When I can go...I am going. So..here I go.

Scared, Confused, Angry, Disappointed

I am sitting in my room...where I've locked myself in...to try to keep the world out. It's just too much right now. I could have cancer, I may just have a cyst, I could end up sexually disfunctional, or sterile, I don't know what I want, I don't know who I want to be there. I just want to the world to stay out. I want to leave my body, leave my feelings, and just exist for a while without any need for anything. But I don't know how to do that. Everyone keeps telling me, everything will be fine... because no one EVER says "Well, ya know what? Everything might not be fine. There is a chance you have cancer. There is a chance that the next few months will be filled with Chemo, pain, vomitting, and a complete lack of sexual function. There is a chance that for the rest of your life you will feverishly check for lumps daily in fear of a relapse. There is a chance you might not even wake up from the surgery on Tuesday." I am scared. More scared than I have ever been in my whole life...and I don't want to let anyone in. I have been throwing myself at everything else in my life to keep from thinking about the truth. I have been being angry at JP for doing what JP does. Fixating on the apartment and every task that I do to try to keep it livable and blaming my other roommates for not doing the same. I have been thowing myself into a relationship that I am not sure I am 100% into. I have been working and dealing with work constantly. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this. I am strong...everyone keeps telling me how strong I am. Even before this... I am strong for dealing with my mother, I am strong for caring for my family. I am just strong...but I have never felt so weak as I do right now. I go into surgery on Tuesday knowing nothing...spending money I don't have. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to put my fists through walls. I am 25. I am TWENTY FIVE. I realize I have good things in my life. I realize that I have people who love me very much and people that I love very much. I realize that I have made accomplishments thus far. But I also realize..that much like this death that is growing inside me...I am going to have to eliminate some of the things that make me feel this way...even if I am scared of the process and what it may cause. I am scared. I am really scared.

Fears

Sometimes I think I am a horrible person. I am finding it very difficult to feel happy for people I love when they get parts they want or feel sympathy when they don't get parts they want. Because I can't even audition. I feel bad about it...I hate myself for it. I know that this job was my choice...I know it's the smart thing...I know that it pays more than I would probably ever make in theater...but I feel like a part of me is missing...a very happy part of me. And others are noticing too. I was a happier person when I was paying my bills with the change that I found in my couch cushions and a 600 dollar pay check was something to celebrate(Not to mention probably a quarter of my yearly salary). I find myself not even wanting to go see theater because it stirs the artist in me...wakens the hunger that lies just below the surface most of the time and pulls it to the front...scratching and clawing it's way through my being. Part of me keeps telling myself that if I just wait a few years I'll be high enough that I will have time for theater again..and another part of myself tells me that if I even just wait until school is out I'll have time again...but there is part of me that is starving. And eventually I will have to feed it or I fear it will die and with it the friendships I cherish most of all.

Who's Wants Are These?

I can't even begin to know what I want anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. Am I going to school cause it is what is expected of me? Do I even WANT to be a chef? Do I even WANT to work with food? Do I want to be on stage? Do I want to write? I have no car, no money, a job that I am getting less and less fond of everyday, no relationship, I am unhappy with school, my family life is not good. About the only thing I have REALLY going for me right now is my health and I don't know how true that is..cause I haven't been to the doctor in a while and there could be a silent killer laying in wait just under the skin and I wouldn't know. Wouldn't be the first time...but I doubt that is the case. Miserable people don't die...miserable people live forever. It's the moment they find what they are looking for that death closes it's icy fingers around their throats. Theater has taught me well. What do I do? Other than sit here..in my dark room...face glowing in the light of my computer screen...and cry.

What I Know

Burning behind my eyes,
pushing the orbs of my soul.
Deprevation of rejuvenation,
making my visage seem old.
Where am I going?
Why do I go?
What is the value?
How do I know?
My head feels heavy,
heavier by the day.
Laden with questions,
expectations I can't delay.
Is school where I'm going?
Why do I go?
Is my learning of value?
How do I know?
My soul burning, wanting.
A life I could reach.
A world filled with heroes,
Antagonists, music, and speech.
Is theater where I'm going?
Why do I go?
Is my talent of value?
How do I know?
I want someone to share with,
to hold and hold me
Someone who knows me,
better than I could ever see.
Is love where I'm going?
Why do I go?
Is my person of value?
How do I know?
All I know is I'm wanting.
For what, I don't know.
Just have a yearning,
A daily, sharp blow.
I don't know where I'm going.
I don't know why I go.
I don't know the value.
That is all that I know.
-Me

Wait...A Grown Up Job?! You Mean Like...With Benefits And Shit

So it looks like I will be working at a new coffee shop/sandwich shop concept called Volcanos. I am not going to post the whole thing on here...but they have great coffee..that they roast inhouse..which is cool. I am going to help to standardize their menu and be the area manager for a minimum of 3 stores, including their flagship store right in the heart of downtown in a highrise building that is complete with a movie theater, condo's, and several other retail stores. It's gonna be great..very exciting. This is a great way to get into the business...they hope to open a lot of stores in the next few years and I will be managing a lot of them. Gonna be making some money..very, very excited about being comfortable. Anyway..J.P and I are gonna play some scrabble. Blog later.

But Now...I Hurt

I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to do.
I want to slip into nothingness
And just stop wanting you.
I feel betrayed.
I feel mislead.
I don't understand this life
that leaves my insides dead.
I'm tired,
I'm hollow,
and forever searching blind.
Not waiting,
not looking,
but this forever on my mind.
Once I felt young,
Once free,
my feelings overt.
The error was revealed,
but now...I hurt.

Uh...Excuse Me God...I Think You Forgot To Throw In That Order of Patience

I like to be able to view things..knowing the factors in play...so I can make my next move. Kind of a birds eye view of the board and the pieces. When I was a child I was the same way..I was the kid who, before he even touched the playdough, had a complete blueprint of what he was going to build..complete with measurements and color-coding. So I have always known that I have no patience. No patience for stupidity, no patience for lack of drive, no patience for a lot of things. But first and foremost, I have no patience for relationships and waiting for them to develop. Within 5 days I want to know where this is going, if the other person is thinking about me when I'm not there, if the other person misses me at all or if I am just a passing fancy. I've always been like this..and I try to ease the blow by saying things like "I know this sounds stupid..." or "So, just for kicks, I was thinking..." or some other line before I say things that I am afraid is going to send people running for the hills.

I just don't understand why those things scare people away. I guess it's just cause if I want to know something....I assume they want to know it. And as I find myself wondering, "Are they missing me at all right now?"...cause I am sure as hell missing them..so I tack an "I miss you a little..lol" to the end of a message. And seeing as I try to make sure that if I have some spare time I offer it to them, I say things like "You free tonight?"..which I just see as an open ended invite..no pressure...for real..but some see that and go.."God...He wants to see me again?!?" That's cause I want to see them daily....it's just who I am..when I with someone..I'm with them... Anyway...this is something I felt was blog worthy...maybe something else will come along soon.

End of an Era

So you may have noticed that I don't update my blog as recent as I used to...I don't know if anyone is still reading on a regular basis. I know that some check it on occasion to see if I bothered to type anything. Well...I think that this lack of writing might be a trend that continues....let's face it...I get myself in enough trouble when I open my mouth, I don't need to post it on the net all the time. Yeah..life is complicate, yeah relationships are hard(be it friend, foe, or love), yeah money's tight, but I am fairly certain that that my little rantings aren't helping any of that. Maybe I will start facing my demons in person, rather than writing them out for the world to see....or who knows..maybe I'll be back in a few weeks with something exciting. If you want to know what's going on with me...call me..or ask me. That's really your best bet from now on.

I Just Need To Vent This

Life is good...I think it could be better...but it's good. I won't go into detail...but there is one specific aspect of my life that sucks right now...2 people in particular and they are pretty closely related. Anyway...I know that this blog makes no sense...but letting it go into the universe might....so that's what I'm doing. Today was Pork Day 1 in meat fab. I love me some pork....my pork chops were cut perfectly, perfectly cooked, stuffed perfectly with the breading that my team worked on, and then covered with my Sauce Robert..which did I mention..was perfect. I have an 89 in meat fab right now....and that's only cause I missed a day..if I hadn't missed that day..I would have a 98...but that's ok. Things are mostly good...mostly. That particular area of my life may be getting better....the removal process I believe began a while ago..and now the actual surgical strike is about to begin...followed by what I am sure will be a long process of irradiation to destroy the remaining bits of the relationships. Anyway...I'll talk to you later.

Epiphany

So this morning I woke up and realized something. I can do anything. I know how that sounds...but when I look back over my life...anything I have truly wanted to do..and tried to do...I have done. The things that I have failed at were things that I had no desire to do or things that were totally out of my hands. I can act, I can sing, I can dance well enough to get by, I can cook, I can fix things.... Shaggy is a great example. I hadn't prepared...I had never tried to do a Shaggy voice..but 5 minutes after they gave me the side I went in with it mostly memorized and did it well enough for them to consider me for the role. Culinary School is going very well...I am pulling an A in most every class. Relationships are harder...and different cause they are two way. I think that is why I get so angry when someone questions my ability to do something. For example a role I want to play. When someone who I am close to tells me that they don't think I can do it I get upset. Because I KNOW I can. I have faith in my ability. I can make my life work. That is where I am right now. That is my mind set. And if you think I can't do it...then I think I can convince you that I can...the question is...do I have a desire to waste my time trying?

WOW...just....WOW

So I am finished today's project today about 5 minutes BEFORE he started explaining how to do it. I HATE THIS CLASS...4 more days...just 4 more days. This guy is an interesting individual....
Anyway....my first solo Spidey party was yesterday. It went pretty well...the kids loved me. They were asking what superheroes I hang out with. It was pretty cool. On top of all of that...it was in the park I grew up playing in..Park Pals. Brought back some memories. I went to the reading for Tom's new play..that was cool.

TONIGHT IS HEROES NIGHT!!!! YAY! Sarah will be there! Maybe just Sarah..the rest of the crew is a little iffy. Billy and Tracy are busy as usual...they might make it..they might not. Adrian has company so he is going to try but there are no promises. So it may just be me, Sarah, and Hiro Sandwiches. GOOD TIMES!

Things are rocky on the homefront as usual. I think we have reverted to 12 year olds. Name calling...the whole 9. So now I'm bored and sitting in class...I want to go home...but I will just wait. I guess I could work on my project...but...that would be...working..and I'm not to keen on that. Anyway...lately I just feel like I need to leave and find a new life...start fresh. Things are just a little cloudy. I don't feel like I have much support...I mean I do..from some..but those that I at one time thought were my solid support system are now a lot more like a 100 year old rope suspension bridge..over a chasm. So I am thinking when I graduate I am moving...I don't know where...but atleast I know when. Well...I'll blog more later.

Hurt, Angry, Dissapointed

Things I never doubted would be said eventually have now been said...and some of the people who know me best believed them. What does that say about my relationships with those I think I'm closest to? I'm sick, I'm hurt, I'm angry. It's not because I wouldn't say them...I'm sure I would..but not while sitting in a theater. That's not who I am. It just hurts that it was said...and no one who knew me stood up and said "You must have misheard...Eric wouldn't say that." But I guess you never know someone till it's time for them to have your back. If this blog has ramifications...I guess I'll take them as they come, this is how I feel right now...so later. I'll blog later.

Computer Class

So I'm sitting in computer class now....bored. Just finished my project for the day...outlining the first couple chapters of the book of the class that we just finished using powerpoint. I keep thinking more and more that I REALLY should have taken that test to try to test outta this. SO EASY! Anyway...really not supposed to be blogging now so I'm gonna go. Blog later.

Hoop Jumpin, Penguin Divin, And Liver Killin

So the last few days have been pretty interesting. I went to Sea World on Wednesday with Dustin, Johnathan, Kimmy, and Dani. That was a blast. The free beer was flowin so we started drinking at 12:02. Went penquin diving..illustrated below. It basically cosists of diving on your belly and then sliding into the nearest hole in the "ice". Funtimes. Then we went to the mall so the girls could get a new outfit, then to Dustin's while Noah was gathering all the animals and the flood happened outside. Then off to Chillers were the wall o' alcoholic slushies were only a doller....dear god. Drank, got in a little fight with Nathan, got drivin home by another Nathan. Not great times.

Then I went to Disney yesterday and jumped through all the medical hoops that disney wanted me to so that I don't lose my id. Then off to see Lu Lu in Finding Nemo: The Musical. Which was amazing. The cast is soooo talented. Just an all around great show with my very beautiful friend playing many characters. I was beaming most of the show and then continued after when we met up for the walk out with her friend Josh, who I've just met and think I will attempt to keep in touch with.

Now today I have my first ever official Spidey party. It could be fun, it could be a disaster...only time will tell. About three hours from now I will either be having a blast or groping around 11 scared children trying to find the birthday boy through a mask I can't really see through. I'm hoping for the first one. So yeah. That's the update. I'll blog later.

I'm done

I am done dating. I am done liking people. When I feel the urge to find myself attracted to someone for more than a few hours I am going to supress that. I will be single...I will be who I am. Single works...you don't have to deal with the bullshit. I will be SINGLE. I am an attractive guy. Granted...right now I am a drunk guy...but still...attractive. I will not be treated like shit...and left in bars...and for God's sake I won't cry in straight bars. Anyway...I'm done. Today was good until around 10 p.m. then it started to suck. Blog later.