Fears

Sometimes I think I am a horrible person. I am finding it very difficult to feel happy for people I love when they get parts they want or feel sympathy when they don't get parts they want. Because I can't even audition. I feel bad about it...I hate myself for it. I know that this job was my choice...I know it's the smart thing...I know that it pays more than I would probably ever make in theater...but I feel like a part of me is missing...a very happy part of me. And others are noticing too. I was a happier person when I was paying my bills with the change that I found in my couch cushions and a 600 dollar pay check was something to celebrate(Not to mention probably a quarter of my yearly salary). I find myself not even wanting to go see theater because it stirs the artist in me...wakens the hunger that lies just below the surface most of the time and pulls it to the front...scratching and clawing it's way through my being. Part of me keeps telling myself that if I just wait a few years I'll be high enough that I will have time for theater again..and another part of myself tells me that if I even just wait until school is out I'll have time again...but there is part of me that is starving. And eventually I will have to feed it or I fear it will die and with it the friendships I cherish most of all.