Scared, Confused, Angry, Disappointed

I am sitting in my room...where I've locked myself in...to try to keep the world out. It's just too much right now. I could have cancer, I may just have a cyst, I could end up sexually disfunctional, or sterile, I don't know what I want, I don't know who I want to be there. I just want to the world to stay out. I want to leave my body, leave my feelings, and just exist for a while without any need for anything. But I don't know how to do that. Everyone keeps telling me, everything will be fine... because no one EVER says "Well, ya know what? Everything might not be fine. There is a chance you have cancer. There is a chance that the next few months will be filled with Chemo, pain, vomitting, and a complete lack of sexual function. There is a chance that for the rest of your life you will feverishly check for lumps daily in fear of a relapse. There is a chance you might not even wake up from the surgery on Tuesday." I am scared. More scared than I have ever been in my whole life...and I don't want to let anyone in. I have been throwing myself at everything else in my life to keep from thinking about the truth. I have been being angry at JP for doing what JP does. Fixating on the apartment and every task that I do to try to keep it livable and blaming my other roommates for not doing the same. I have been thowing myself into a relationship that I am not sure I am 100% into. I have been working and dealing with work constantly. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this. I am strong...everyone keeps telling me how strong I am. Even before this... I am strong for dealing with my mother, I am strong for caring for my family. I am just strong...but I have never felt so weak as I do right now. I go into surgery on Tuesday knowing nothing...spending money I don't have. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to put my fists through walls. I am 25. I am TWENTY FIVE. I realize I have good things in my life. I realize that I have people who love me very much and people that I love very much. I realize that I have made accomplishments thus far. But I also realize..that much like this death that is growing inside me...I am going to have to eliminate some of the things that make me feel this way...even if I am scared of the process and what it may cause. I am scared. I am really scared.

Fears

Sometimes I think I am a horrible person. I am finding it very difficult to feel happy for people I love when they get parts they want or feel sympathy when they don't get parts they want. Because I can't even audition. I feel bad about it...I hate myself for it. I know that this job was my choice...I know it's the smart thing...I know that it pays more than I would probably ever make in theater...but I feel like a part of me is missing...a very happy part of me. And others are noticing too. I was a happier person when I was paying my bills with the change that I found in my couch cushions and a 600 dollar pay check was something to celebrate(Not to mention probably a quarter of my yearly salary). I find myself not even wanting to go see theater because it stirs the artist in me...wakens the hunger that lies just below the surface most of the time and pulls it to the front...scratching and clawing it's way through my being. Part of me keeps telling myself that if I just wait a few years I'll be high enough that I will have time for theater again..and another part of myself tells me that if I even just wait until school is out I'll have time again...but there is part of me that is starving. And eventually I will have to feed it or I fear it will die and with it the friendships I cherish most of all.