Clarity

There are moments when all the dusty windows in life suddenly line up, throwing the dust off of their surfaces, and everything suddenly shines with a brilliant clarity.  A year ago I thought this would destroy me.  I told myself that was my life and I would never do better.  The lying, cheating, verbal abuse....somehow I felt that he was worth dealing with it.  Now I lay here in my bed..only 10 days away from my new life.  My first solo venture in this world....and even this I feel will not be solo.  Just as the little red devil became to heavy for my shoulder an army of angels came into my life.  There is a whole world out there that I never saw.  I am a catch....an amazing person...and will be an even more amazing husband and father.  In just three weeks these angels have shown me that the things he said about me are not true at all.  I am attractive.  I am sexy.  I am smart.  I am talented.  I am alive.  These moments of clarity are beautiful.

Little more than a passing sigh

So this is how it ends.  20 months of every emotion known to man, beauty, ugliness, pain, and healing.  Gone in not even a flash, not even a fizzle.  You'd think there would be a boiling vortex of tears, a clap of angry confrontational thunder, a barrage of heart shattering hail....but no....there was nothing.  Just a gentle fade...like the tide going out and being replaced by a wash of emptiness and a world blurring fog.  I know eventually the fog will fade and my world will return to the bright colors I am accustomed to but for now the dull mush of a world I am left with is somehow both jagged and soft at the same time.  I feel a scream would offer closure...tears would wash the pain from my face....but all I have found is an all consuming numbness.

The straw that broke the camels heart....

At what point do you stop hiding and lying? I am so afraid to lose you but am beginning to wonder if I even have you. If you are constantly going behind my back and sending things to the same person over and over again I can only assume that he has you and I am just, what? Holding his place? A more convenient choice? The person that you want to spend the rest of your life with but not the body? My heart is broken right now... Literally broken. I just don't understand how you can do this over and over again while telling me you love me. Then immediately after let me tell you that you are amazing and have the audacity to agree with me. I am amazed you could do this again after promising you wouldn't. I can't say this to you for fear of the outcome. You will get angry I found you out. You will go and drink heavily. You will go do God knows what that I just don't know about (because let's face it...if you are lying about this and breaking promises then there is probably more.). I love you...and love has made me to weak to be without you. I will just continue on...a broken man...or a camel carrying a burden long after the weight has become to much.