Hello Anonymous

So here it goes...I am going to say this...and that is that. I appreciate the thought Anonymous commenter...but the truth of the matter is...if you have loved me for six years and you wish for all of those things...tell me who you are. Atleast the people who have told me they don't love me have told me to my face...and that's better than this crap you continuously pull. I am not a fan of the Secret admirer game...so either tell me who you are...or stop playing the game.

Always The Friend, Never The Boy

So that didn't take long...what the hell is wrong with the world? Why can't I be with someone? Not to be too...TMI..but if all I wanted was sex I'd have no problem at all...but I want more. I want to cuddle on the couch and watch movies, and feel love...and good morning calls to see how I'm doing. I want to say babe and sweetie and hear them in return. I eventually want to hear I love you...and say it... But again..I don't get to. Am I a horrible person to be with? Am I just to hard to be around? What the hell is wrong with me? I just want to break something....I feel broken and now I want to pass that on. I now have no job, no relationship, no money, and a shit load of bills. I just want to know what's wrong with me. There must be something. In science you try the same experiment and if something goes wrong every time and there is only one variable that is the same..that's the flaw...well I am the flaw in this experiment. In almost 24 years I have not found love...even once. Most everyone I went to high school with has gotten married or dated seriously or something. I'm still single, solitary, unlovably lovable...me. And I guess I should just accept that. I'm good enough for sex...but not for love. What have I accomplished in my life? I haven't amassed a sum of money. I haven't built a lot of quality friendships and brought people together. I mean don't get me wrong...I have friends...but most times the ones I hold most dear hide things right in front of my face and I just go on pretending I don't notice. I haven't passed on my genes. I haven't found my calling. I haven't changed the world. What is my purpose? Why am I here? Atleast Princeton had Kate....all I have is temporary false families onstage that I lose contact with as soon as the curtain closes. They tell me I'm talented, I'm attractive....but it doesn't matter...because they only have to deal with me for 2 to 4 hours at a time....and in scripted context. I'm tired of being me...I'm tired of being alone...I'm tired of..being. I'm not suicidal...I'm not that much of a coward...or that brave..or however you want to see it..so just don't. I hate this...bye.

How I'm Feeling Lately

Rejected, alone, crowded, disappointed, hurried, stagnant, annoyed, excited, alone, lazy, disappointing, unhappy, angry, loved, alone. Those are the ones I could come up with before rehearsal. I found my sallow saloo...and in it's truest form..when I get close it dissapears. This is my final sanctuary..but I will probably have to answer for this later...cause I can't voice an opinion or a concern or a worry or anything without it biting me in the ass..just like everything else in my life. Before I get the calls and the messages...just don't. I'm not suicidal, I'm not thuroughly depressed...so just...don't. Later.

Le Shudder

So I've been here since 8 and I have yet to have a single break or a lunch. Yeah..this is fun. NOT TO MENTION...the fact that the meeting has been going on all day and I still have o idea what's going on. Am I rejoining the job search...gah.. Blog later. Hungry now.

Best Laid Plans

So today is shaping up to be..delightful. My two bosses and their boss are in the office have a serious meeting while I watch the shipping board. Normally this would be fine..even if the meeting does concern my employement status....I can handle it. But I also have this other guy who is slightly above me in ranks standing over my shoulder. He stepped away to do something giving me a few minutes to blog. I missed my first break..but being that we don't do anything on days like today when there is nothing going on in the pyrotechnical world...it doesn't really matter. Fringe is coming up! I can't wait! Bonnaroo is coming up....SO EXCITED! Rent is due soon...less than thrilled but more than discouraged. :) As far as my social standing goes...I frequently make my roommate uncomfortable or angry, my parents are obliviously happy with my life and situations, my friends are there for me when I need them and concerned about my well-being when necessary...now if I could just find a good date I'd be all set. I am going to Universal this Saturday with a group of friends...that will be fun and I am going to a bar at some point with Tracy to meet some quality people. I know what you are thinking...quality people at a bar?!?!? All I have to say is that it is a step up from the internet. I'll blog later.

Another Day, Another Dollar...s...

So here I am at work...Production is slow, shipping is slow..and it's one of those gentle rain days that I think should be an internationally recognized paid holiday. All anyone wants to do is sleep...so why not let us and get paid to do it? Anyway...the big meeting is tomorrow...you know the decide my fate kind of meeting where everything becomes clearer in my financial standing and work related life. Or atleast that's what I've been told the meeting is...we will see. I am running shipping by myself the next couple of days...so..I'll probably blog on occasion. The show is going well...Jack "the reviewer" said it "didn't meet his expectations" but lets face it...he was probably expecting crazy characatures and got real people...whatever. He knows very little about theater and even less about our directors vision..the audiences are loving the show...and that's all that matters. Work is...going. The apartment is...there. Money is...not. Anyway. I'll blog later.

Darkness Falls

So the show is going pretty well. Last night we had a power outage just as I finished my big scene...that was fun. A few good saves by my fellow actors. Anyway...I've been sick as all hell for a week now...no fun. That's all that's going on in my life. I'll blog later.

Breath

So the show has a soft opening tonight with an invited audience and about a hundred red hat ladies. Fun. Anyone who wants to come can. House opens at 7:30 and curtain is at 8. It's free...so enjoy if you can. The show is called You Can't Take It With You and is at Icehouse Theatre in Mt Dora. The website is www.icehousetheatre.com. Now...onto how rehearsal went last night. Apparently I finally got it...after 8 weeks of rehearsal and about a million times on the notes and everything...I finally found Tony. And I gotta say I kinda like him. I hope you guys can make the show before it closes...it's going to be a good one. I'll blog later.

Hell Week...Here I Come

So hell week for You Can't Take It With You is finally here. I am diving in head first in hopes that I land somewhere close to where Joel wants me to be. I am rather dissapointed in myself in this show. I keep trying to be where I should be..and it's just not working. I am working on it...but not as much as I should because of work and the move and other stuff. So yeah...I hope I get there before we open cause I am sharing the stage with some really amazing talent and don't want to make them look bad being on stage with me. Ok..so I'll blog later. Gotta rejoin the work force...and that is a task in itself...no joke. Want to know more...ask me outside of this public forum. lol. Laters.