Another Midnight Gone

Well...it's here again. New Years. I am choosing to spend it at home..alone..with my ps3. Everyone is coupling off and I just can't bear to watch. I'd rather sit here with my dog. I have never shared any of these couple holidays with anyone...I have spent every new years with no one to kiss...never had a valentine...never celebrated an anniversary. I may be a great guy...but I am a failure at relationships. Hello end of the bridges line....here we are.

Wet Pillow

I am a moron. I hate that I am crying. No one wants me. If one more person tells me how great I am I swear I am going to scream. I am a great guy. A talented guy. A great catch. The most dangerous game...and no one wants to go hunting..not even when the boar has lain down his tusks and waits for the spear. No one wants me. You can tell me how fantastic I am until you are blue in the face. I am a man of logic...and all the facts are clear. No one...wants me....

Tear Away Sleeves

I hate that I wear my heart on a tear away sleeve and constantly ask people to tug away. I hate that I can get completely invested in a day. I hate who I am when it comes to dating. Relationships...I'm great. In theory. I mean I've only had one real one...and it was only 3 months long. I was young and completely head over heals in love...like I am...and he was afraid of relationships..and as soon as there was no way of avoiding calling what we had a relationship he ended it. Now I find myself again dealing with bad timing. I met someone amazing. Dare I say, perfect. The unicorn of the gay dating world. He managed to describe everything that I am looking for for my future in ONE date. We hit it off fantastically. One problem...he's moving in 2 months. We talked about it and decided to see what the next 2 months held. Then 2 days later...2 flirty beginnings of relationship days later and 1 odd restrained day of texting..he asks me if we can stay platonic. All I can imagine is that it is because he DOES like me and the thought that 2 months down the road we would have to part ways if things go as well as they could isn't very appealing. I don't know. I just hate that I am the way I am sometimes. I won't change it..I couldn't if I tried. But it does make me want to scream and cry and throw things. I won't...but it makes me want to. So I turn to my blog for comfort...as I so often do. We have agreed to talk about it tomorrow. I have solid points to support my side...but the bottom line is that if he doesn't want to see if there is anything here...he doesn't have to....and I can only support so long before I have to let it go..along with my sleeve.

Am I Here?

So I'm having a thought...at 12:31 A.M...and that never bodes well. It all stemmed from an episode of Private Practice where an elderly gay man died of cancer and had no one to be with him. He had lots of sex, he made friends..but he was the last. No lover there to hold his hand because he never found love. No children there to help him through it because he never had any. He was all alone. And he died he wondered if he had even been there. I want to make sure I was here. I am 26 years old, I have accomplished very little of note, my longest relationship to date was 3 months, and whether or not that was even a relationship was a point of contention. I understand why I am single. Don't get me wrong. This isn't me coming down on myself and saying I don't deserve a boyfriend...I don't think I am unattractive. I am an attractive guy. I just know generalized gay social acceptance patterns...and I am stereotyping..but if the show fits...and has your name on it...and that stain where you spilled spagetti sauce on it a few days ago...odds are...That's your shoe. Anyway...

I am a sweet, funny, intellegent guy. I have a decent body which is getting better. I don't have a six pack...but maybe one day. UNFORTUNATELY...I myself fall under these same views. I am attracted to hot runners build frat boy types...and I don't fit their typical type. It doesn't make sense...but it's true. I hope I find someone. I know what I become in a relationship...and most gays..aren't interested. I become freaking gay june cleaver. Totally domesticated. I am so straight when I am not in a relationship that only the finest tuned gaydar even picks up a blip when I walk into a room...put me in a relationship and I am waiting at the door with slippers and a pot roast. For women...halle-freakin-lujah! For men....run the other way.

Example: My 3 month relationship...we had a lot of good times...well...3 months worth. Either way...my favorite memory? Not the day we went to the beach for my birthday..and he packed and planned everything for me. Nope. Not the night we met at a party and hit it off instantly and ended up being together for months. Nope. My favorite memory? The day that he had homework to do...and we laid in bed until lunch...him reading his assignment and me reading a novel. Then we went and got some sandwiches at a nearby mom and pop sandwich shop. Then came back and spent a somewhat rainy afternoon at my apartment..working on homework...then I cooked us dinner..and we went to bed.

I know your life isn't measured by your relationships...but it sure as hell makes the measuring much easier. I want to be loved....I am tired of being young and stupid. I want to get married...I want to have kids...I want to wake-up with someone and laugh about morning breath but keep kissing goodmorning cause we don't care....I want to go to sleep next to someone...I want to get pissed off about stupid things..I want to know I'm here. I feel like I am slipping through life...never getting a foothold. I need something to hold onto. Please God...let me find it.

Extreme

The chill in the air today is almost too much for me. I am cold...very cold. It's day's like today that make me just want to stay in bed all day...not so much because I want to..but because I feel if I am away from the protective wool bubble that is my comforter I will soon feel my blood icing over. I am cold at my core. So needless to say I am a Florida boy...clearly born in a tropical climate...in a summer month...and though I want to move to Chicago at some point. I probably won't...for fear of freezing to the side walk..or never leaving my wool bubble.