Am I Here?

So I'm having a thought...at 12:31 A.M...and that never bodes well. It all stemmed from an episode of Private Practice where an elderly gay man died of cancer and had no one to be with him. He had lots of sex, he made friends..but he was the last. No lover there to hold his hand because he never found love. No children there to help him through it because he never had any. He was all alone. And he died he wondered if he had even been there. I want to make sure I was here. I am 26 years old, I have accomplished very little of note, my longest relationship to date was 3 months, and whether or not that was even a relationship was a point of contention. I understand why I am single. Don't get me wrong. This isn't me coming down on myself and saying I don't deserve a boyfriend...I don't think I am unattractive. I am an attractive guy. I just know generalized gay social acceptance patterns...and I am stereotyping..but if the show fits...and has your name on it...and that stain where you spilled spagetti sauce on it a few days ago...odds are...That's your shoe. Anyway...

I am a sweet, funny, intellegent guy. I have a decent body which is getting better. I don't have a six pack...but maybe one day. UNFORTUNATELY...I myself fall under these same views. I am attracted to hot runners build frat boy types...and I don't fit their typical type. It doesn't make sense...but it's true. I hope I find someone. I know what I become in a relationship...and most gays..aren't interested. I become freaking gay june cleaver. Totally domesticated. I am so straight when I am not in a relationship that only the finest tuned gaydar even picks up a blip when I walk into a room...put me in a relationship and I am waiting at the door with slippers and a pot roast. For women...halle-freakin-lujah! For men....run the other way.

Example: My 3 month relationship...we had a lot of good times...well...3 months worth. Either way...my favorite memory? Not the day we went to the beach for my birthday..and he packed and planned everything for me. Nope. Not the night we met at a party and hit it off instantly and ended up being together for months. Nope. My favorite memory? The day that he had homework to do...and we laid in bed until lunch...him reading his assignment and me reading a novel. Then we went and got some sandwiches at a nearby mom and pop sandwich shop. Then came back and spent a somewhat rainy afternoon at my apartment..working on homework...then I cooked us dinner..and we went to bed.

I know your life isn't measured by your relationships...but it sure as hell makes the measuring much easier. I want to be loved....I am tired of being young and stupid. I want to get married...I want to have kids...I want to wake-up with someone and laugh about morning breath but keep kissing goodmorning cause we don't care....I want to go to sleep next to someone...I want to get pissed off about stupid things..I want to know I'm here. I feel like I am slipping through life...never getting a foothold. I need something to hold onto. Please God...let me find it.