Scared, Confused, Angry, Disappointed

I am sitting in my room...where I've locked myself in...to try to keep the world out. It's just too much right now. I could have cancer, I may just have a cyst, I could end up sexually disfunctional, or sterile, I don't know what I want, I don't know who I want to be there. I just want to the world to stay out. I want to leave my body, leave my feelings, and just exist for a while without any need for anything. But I don't know how to do that. Everyone keeps telling me, everything will be fine... because no one EVER says "Well, ya know what? Everything might not be fine. There is a chance you have cancer. There is a chance that the next few months will be filled with Chemo, pain, vomitting, and a complete lack of sexual function. There is a chance that for the rest of your life you will feverishly check for lumps daily in fear of a relapse. There is a chance you might not even wake up from the surgery on Tuesday." I am scared. More scared than I have ever been in my whole life...and I don't want to let anyone in. I have been throwing myself at everything else in my life to keep from thinking about the truth. I have been being angry at JP for doing what JP does. Fixating on the apartment and every task that I do to try to keep it livable and blaming my other roommates for not doing the same. I have been thowing myself into a relationship that I am not sure I am 100% into. I have been working and dealing with work constantly. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this. I am strong...everyone keeps telling me how strong I am. Even before this... I am strong for dealing with my mother, I am strong for caring for my family. I am just strong...but I have never felt so weak as I do right now. I go into surgery on Tuesday knowing nothing...spending money I don't have. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to put my fists through walls. I am 25. I am TWENTY FIVE. I realize I have good things in my life. I realize that I have people who love me very much and people that I love very much. I realize that I have made accomplishments thus far. But I also realize..that much like this death that is growing inside me...I am going to have to eliminate some of the things that make me feel this way...even if I am scared of the process and what it may cause. I am scared. I am really scared.