Born Husband

Everyone has those things that they are just naturally gifted in. Some people can sing with perfect pitch. Some people can play a piece of music after only hearing it once. Some people can dance beautifully from their soul with very little effort. I was born to be someone's Husband. Now don't get me wrong when I say this. I am not saying that I don't do stupid things. That I don't have petty arguments and make passive aggressive comments from time to time. But what I DO do is always...without fail...put my partner first and believe that they are doing the same for me. For me a relationship is just that...putting someone's needs ahead of your own. If both people in the relationship are doing that for the other person then everyone's needs are met and the relationship thrives. I feel like where we have gone astray with feelings as a whole is that we have tried to rationalize them. Feelings follow no rational. That is why they are called feelings. Think about it...LOVE as I, and many others, have described it...is to willingly turn off the MOST root instinct we have. The instinct to preserve and protect ourselves no matter what. That instinct is diverted. We take care of someone other than ourselves. That is CRAZY....but it is what we do. Love isn't rational. It is dirty. It is messy. It is insane. It is unpredictable. It is the most wonderful feeling anyone has ever felt anywhere. Yet we constantly try to understand it...rather than just let it be. Why be scared of being hurt if the potential prize is to have someone to watch out for you forever? I am not saying that THE ONE will never hurt you...they will...many, many times...but it is about how they handle their mistakes...how you communicate as a unit...how you LOVE one another.

I love without shame. I love without fear or walls or time limits. I take off my breastplate and expose the meaty, beating bits beneath and let them do what they will. Because in my soul I have to believe that that is the only way. I will not let them break me...I will let them teach me. I will continue to charge open-hearted into battle and fight for the love I know is there. Some say I fall too fast. I say that the leap is a lot easier if you aren't afraid of where you will land and know that if no one catches you, you are perfectly capable of getting up and leaping again with the lessons you learned on the way down.

Clarity

There are moments when all the dusty windows in life suddenly line up, throwing the dust off of their surfaces, and everything suddenly shines with a brilliant clarity.  A year ago I thought this would destroy me.  I told myself that was my life and I would never do better.  The lying, cheating, verbal abuse....somehow I felt that he was worth dealing with it.  Now I lay here in my bed..only 10 days away from my new life.  My first solo venture in this world....and even this I feel will not be solo.  Just as the little red devil became to heavy for my shoulder an army of angels came into my life.  There is a whole world out there that I never saw.  I am a catch....an amazing person...and will be an even more amazing husband and father.  In just three weeks these angels have shown me that the things he said about me are not true at all.  I am attractive.  I am sexy.  I am smart.  I am talented.  I am alive.  These moments of clarity are beautiful.

Little more than a passing sigh

So this is how it ends.  20 months of every emotion known to man, beauty, ugliness, pain, and healing.  Gone in not even a flash, not even a fizzle.  You'd think there would be a boiling vortex of tears, a clap of angry confrontational thunder, a barrage of heart shattering hail....but no....there was nothing.  Just a gentle fade...like the tide going out and being replaced by a wash of emptiness and a world blurring fog.  I know eventually the fog will fade and my world will return to the bright colors I am accustomed to but for now the dull mush of a world I am left with is somehow both jagged and soft at the same time.  I feel a scream would offer closure...tears would wash the pain from my face....but all I have found is an all consuming numbness.

The straw that broke the camels heart....

At what point do you stop hiding and lying? I am so afraid to lose you but am beginning to wonder if I even have you. If you are constantly going behind my back and sending things to the same person over and over again I can only assume that he has you and I am just, what? Holding his place? A more convenient choice? The person that you want to spend the rest of your life with but not the body? My heart is broken right now... Literally broken. I just don't understand how you can do this over and over again while telling me you love me. Then immediately after let me tell you that you are amazing and have the audacity to agree with me. I am amazed you could do this again after promising you wouldn't. I can't say this to you for fear of the outcome. You will get angry I found you out. You will go and drink heavily. You will go do God knows what that I just don't know about (because let's face it...if you are lying about this and breaking promises then there is probably more.). I love you...and love has made me to weak to be without you. I will just continue on...a broken man...or a camel carrying a burden long after the weight has become to much.

Soul Cancer

Unhappiness is the cancer of the soul. When irradiating it with love and companionship doesn't work sometimes the only way to deal with it is to cut out the source of the disease. If it stays it will feed on you until your soul withers and dies. I know people like that. I will not be that. What point is there to living if you are unhappy while doing it. I will not resign myself to a withered soulless shell. If I have to cut a piece of me away to do that...I will. I am tired of being unhappy. It will hurt for a while...but I have the strength of my friends and family. If someone isn't brave enough to take action then I suppose I will have to get rid of my association with this disease that is unhappiness. The source is something I hold very dear but if I have to cut it away with my own hands I will. This is a very dark post for Christmas..and I realize it. But as several very wise people have said lately this is a time for change. Universal change, no matter how hard it is...it is easier when the world is with you. I will miss you if I have to cut you out....but I think I lost the person you were a while ago...so maybe the pain will be less. Goodnight.

Another Midnight Gone

Well...it's here again. New Years. I am choosing to spend it at home..alone..with my ps3. Everyone is coupling off and I just can't bear to watch. I'd rather sit here with my dog. I have never shared any of these couple holidays with anyone...I have spent every new years with no one to kiss...never had a valentine...never celebrated an anniversary. I may be a great guy...but I am a failure at relationships. Hello end of the bridges line....here we are.

Wet Pillow

I am a moron. I hate that I am crying. No one wants me. If one more person tells me how great I am I swear I am going to scream. I am a great guy. A talented guy. A great catch. The most dangerous game...and no one wants to go hunting..not even when the boar has lain down his tusks and waits for the spear. No one wants me. You can tell me how fantastic I am until you are blue in the face. I am a man of logic...and all the facts are clear. No one...wants me....

Tear Away Sleeves

I hate that I wear my heart on a tear away sleeve and constantly ask people to tug away. I hate that I can get completely invested in a day. I hate who I am when it comes to dating. Relationships...I'm great. In theory. I mean I've only had one real one...and it was only 3 months long. I was young and completely head over heals in love...like I am...and he was afraid of relationships..and as soon as there was no way of avoiding calling what we had a relationship he ended it. Now I find myself again dealing with bad timing. I met someone amazing. Dare I say, perfect. The unicorn of the gay dating world. He managed to describe everything that I am looking for for my future in ONE date. We hit it off fantastically. One problem...he's moving in 2 months. We talked about it and decided to see what the next 2 months held. Then 2 days later...2 flirty beginnings of relationship days later and 1 odd restrained day of texting..he asks me if we can stay platonic. All I can imagine is that it is because he DOES like me and the thought that 2 months down the road we would have to part ways if things go as well as they could isn't very appealing. I don't know. I just hate that I am the way I am sometimes. I won't change it..I couldn't if I tried. But it does make me want to scream and cry and throw things. I won't...but it makes me want to. So I turn to my blog for comfort...as I so often do. We have agreed to talk about it tomorrow. I have solid points to support my side...but the bottom line is that if he doesn't want to see if there is anything here...he doesn't have to....and I can only support so long before I have to let it go..along with my sleeve.

Am I Here?

So I'm having a thought...at 12:31 A.M...and that never bodes well. It all stemmed from an episode of Private Practice where an elderly gay man died of cancer and had no one to be with him. He had lots of sex, he made friends..but he was the last. No lover there to hold his hand because he never found love. No children there to help him through it because he never had any. He was all alone. And he died he wondered if he had even been there. I want to make sure I was here. I am 26 years old, I have accomplished very little of note, my longest relationship to date was 3 months, and whether or not that was even a relationship was a point of contention. I understand why I am single. Don't get me wrong. This isn't me coming down on myself and saying I don't deserve a boyfriend...I don't think I am unattractive. I am an attractive guy. I just know generalized gay social acceptance patterns...and I am stereotyping..but if the show fits...and has your name on it...and that stain where you spilled spagetti sauce on it a few days ago...odds are...That's your shoe. Anyway...

I am a sweet, funny, intellegent guy. I have a decent body which is getting better. I don't have a six pack...but maybe one day. UNFORTUNATELY...I myself fall under these same views. I am attracted to hot runners build frat boy types...and I don't fit their typical type. It doesn't make sense...but it's true. I hope I find someone. I know what I become in a relationship...and most gays..aren't interested. I become freaking gay june cleaver. Totally domesticated. I am so straight when I am not in a relationship that only the finest tuned gaydar even picks up a blip when I walk into a room...put me in a relationship and I am waiting at the door with slippers and a pot roast. For women...halle-freakin-lujah! For men....run the other way.

Example: My 3 month relationship...we had a lot of good times...well...3 months worth. Either way...my favorite memory? Not the day we went to the beach for my birthday..and he packed and planned everything for me. Nope. Not the night we met at a party and hit it off instantly and ended up being together for months. Nope. My favorite memory? The day that he had homework to do...and we laid in bed until lunch...him reading his assignment and me reading a novel. Then we went and got some sandwiches at a nearby mom and pop sandwich shop. Then came back and spent a somewhat rainy afternoon at my apartment..working on homework...then I cooked us dinner..and we went to bed.

I know your life isn't measured by your relationships...but it sure as hell makes the measuring much easier. I want to be loved....I am tired of being young and stupid. I want to get married...I want to have kids...I want to wake-up with someone and laugh about morning breath but keep kissing goodmorning cause we don't care....I want to go to sleep next to someone...I want to get pissed off about stupid things..I want to know I'm here. I feel like I am slipping through life...never getting a foothold. I need something to hold onto. Please God...let me find it.

Extreme

The chill in the air today is almost too much for me. I am cold...very cold. It's day's like today that make me just want to stay in bed all day...not so much because I want to..but because I feel if I am away from the protective wool bubble that is my comforter I will soon feel my blood icing over. I am cold at my core. So needless to say I am a Florida boy...clearly born in a tropical climate...in a summer month...and though I want to move to Chicago at some point. I probably won't...for fear of freezing to the side walk..or never leaving my wool bubble.

Actively Waiting

So I am going to wait this out. The not having money, the worry about my job, the trying my damnedest to get things to work, the worrying, the pinching, the clenching, the hating....I am going to wait it out. I have great people around...I can make this work. My life is good...things are getting better at work...the artistic juices are flowing. We will see what comes of that.

I am eagerly awaiting winter...well...Florida winter. It is a shadow of what a true winter is...but I love it. The crispness in the air, not having to use the A/C, dressing in layers, snuggling up in bed for that extra 5 minutes before you run barefooted across the cold carpet to a hot shower. And who knows..maybe I'll have someone to cuddle up with for that last 5 minutes...other than Blot. Christmas show is right around the corner...I will be rapping in the show..that should be..interesting. I feel my prowess in dancing has increased...though my rankings does not show that...but who am I to say. I love my job..when I get to do it...and I wouldn't mind the escorting if I wasn't making the same to escort characters now that my dad made in custodial over 30 years ago at Disney. Things will get better...a fortune cookie told me.

Results from the Christmas audition should be very very soon...they said 2 weeks..and that would be Tuesday..so...hopefully I will know something by then. And now..for a poem...cause I felt like it.

Waking from a dreaming dance,
the air cool and crisp,
snuggling under a cotton sea,
the waves warmer each wisp.
Time wishing to stand still,
the sea of sand still flows.
when this dance of tides will end,
only the snoozer does know.
A barefooted run across the ice,
that crunches and surrounds your toes.
Into a fall of warmest showers,
the dreaming finally coming to close.
Wrapped in wool,
you start your day.
Each moment clearer still.
Each solid breath,
bringing you closer,
to the dance of dreams you fill.

Eh...I've written better...oh well.

Exhausted

So I am finding that letting go of things is much easier if no one is involved. I am probably asked 4 to 5 times a week why I am not going back to the place that I once called my theatrical home. Not saying names...cause..well..it isn't necessary. Here are a few ramblings that came from my last conversation with someone relatively new to the theater.

"M: why aren't you coming back? tired of the drama?

Eric: Pretty much. it's not the place I found when I was younger....it's twisted...it changed...I can't be there.

M: it has changed...even since i first got there, i feel.

Eric: It's just not the place I loved.

It's a dark and twisted version of what I remember...my wonderland became my hell.

M: wow that's pretty intense

Eric: You don't understand how much that place meant to me when I was little.

M: you're right...i have no idea

Eric: I had no where to go...no one to listen to me... no way to express myself...and I found (theater name)...and finally..I could be me.

M: sounds like you described a great place
or...what used to be, anyway

Eric: Whether it ACTUALLY was or not..I don't know...but for me..it was.

It was my wonderland. Beautiful and mysterious...terrible and frightening...a place where what I thought was not what I thought and what I knew was not what I imagined."

That sums it up in yet another way if anyone was still wondering....and reading. lol. Remember that that came from 48 hours and 5 hours sleep. Anyway...I thought that part of what I said was fairly artistic...so I'd post it.

Forgotten Things

So I have been thinking alot lately about my life and the things that are important to me. I have recently discovered that what really matters to me is having people I love around me...and for them to be happy. And in that I am truly blessed. I think I have found a core group of friends that I can depend on whenever, for whatever, no matter what.

And I love them. I truly do. Fen Fen with her hours and hours of spectacular conversation and movies and beauty and just being together and knowing everything we say is safe and heartfelt and honest. L and K with video games, and tv, and 80's show times, and food, and beer, and scary stuff, and creativity that would fill most till there was nothing left but shards of over-expanded consciousness. DJ with judabequa, and drunk colette, and improv, and laughter, and fun, and brilliance, M with her honesty, and listening, and humour, and just everything that is wonderful and brilliant about her. Sarah always being there for me...at home or not and knowing that I can say anything I want to her as well...even the difficult roommate things and she's ok. B..even though he drives me crazy sometimes...knowing he has my back if necessary...and I probably won't even have to ask. And really...there are just to many beautiful, funny, brilliant, wonderful people to mention her right now. They are what is keeping me afloat. I am happy alone...that's something I learned to be...but they definetly make life better than happy. I love you all.

I know this is random..and new...and unexpected..and probably a little jarring and stalkery...but still..there it is. And I know it's ok...cause I have lain myself out before these folks before...and am sure I will again.

The Fall of Winter

It's days like today that make me want furniture for my balcony. It's a beautifully clear day with a hint of chill in the air. Just enough that you consider a long sleeve shirt so you can feel like you are still cuddled up under your comforter. I could take my dog to a dog park but then I'd have to share this day with others...and I know that sounds selfish but I am in Florida and don't get many of these beautiful days and I want it to be all for me. I will sit in my livingroom, eating chili and reading a good book while gently patting Blot on the head. Days like today make me glad to be who I am and where I am.

One Of Two

So you know those couples where there are two people but when referred to they are always referred to the same way? One person is always the other one's significant other? For example when referring to Steve he is always referred to as Betsy's boyfriend. Betsy is never Steve's girlfriend. Or Brad is always Tom's boyfriend and Tom is never Brad's boyfriend. Those things tend to show themselves in the relationship itself...one person kind of falling into a dark patch of the other person's shadow. I have refused to be this my whole life...is that why I don't have anyone? I'm curious..I mean I have seen many a couple who doesn't have that distinction...they are equally represented in the relationship..however most of those couples fight a lot and are happy..but not as happy as they could be if one would relinquish power I suppose. I don't know...just something that is bothering me tonight..as I sit her alone...about to crawl into my big queen size bed alone...and sleep alone..yet again. I am tired of being disappointed.

Barely Breathing

I find myself barely breathing lately. Constantly with my nose just above the waters of life. I know that this a common thing in these hard times where the flood of bills and expenses is rising higher and higher each day, but I find it particularly taxing in reference to my own life. Every time I think I have found a shallow spot I lose my footing and slip, surfacing sputtering, coughing, and disoriented. I am tired of being a have not. I am tired of working constantly doing something I love but never having the money to enjoy the rest of my life. I am tired of it..but I wouldn't give it up for anything. That is a strange sensation. I truly do love my job...I truly do love every minute of every day that I am out being who I am. It saddens me that other people, ranked higher than me, don't have the same experience and could care less that they are there and that they have been given such a great chance. We are something that few people get to be...we are children's idols...we are who they love...we are who they rush to see every morning...we are who they snuggle up with at night just before sleep..we are heroes. That should be something that you feel honored to be..not something you do from 9-5 to make ends meet. I for one am honored...and know that that means very little in this industry..but still...I am honored.

Long Time Coming....

I am constantly reminded that I have lost my Eden. The place that I once thought was beautiful, full of life, beauty, natural art...it is twisted forever. The person I once thought a direct line to all knowledge constantly reminds me with a forked tongue that they are no more than a serpent. I continue to go to this oasis hoping to quench a thirst that I see others lacking but all I find is sand and dust. There are those there that are desperately drilling trying to find the fertile soil that once not only produced it's beautiful variations of sustenance but supported every vine and branch in the garden no matter how young, old, green, or out of place they seemed. Unfortunately it appears that the dust has taken over and most of the life that once teamed through this place has long found other patches of green. The few who struggle there don't reach their potential. They are beaten down by harsh winds, be it in the light they are dried out under the brutal visage of the unrelenting heat of the sun, or at night when the they experience the bitter cold of the glaring stars that sit in the heavens in their 12 thrones. These titans not even able to decide if what they feel is right among themselves constantly throwing fire and bitter waves of radiation.

I thought I had found a chance of survival for the place I once knew in a seedling that was budding. However I see now that it will never be able to reach it's full potential. It will only be weeded out until everything looks like everything else. A desolate wasteland of angry sand and resentful winds. And this saddens me to the core.

Waiting...

So lately I feel like I am waiting. Waiting for a person, waiting for a job, waiting for a new place, waiting for money, waiting for the waiting to end. I feel like I need to grab hold of my life and veer it into the direction I want to go...but I am not really sure how to do that right now. Work is going well...cause it's Halloween Horror Nights and that always goes well. School is still on the back burner for a few more weeks and then I am going back to finish a degree I am not really sure I am going to use. I don't know how I feel about finishing something simply for the fact of finishing...but that's what I am doing. Actually..I do know how I feel about finishing for that reason...and it's not good. But that seems to be the best course of action at this moment. My friends are good..though complicated. My love life is...complicated if not nonexistant. I keep waiting for my parent's land to sell so that I can start over. Everything paid off...with some money in my pocket and a new place to live..with Blot and Sam. I will be moving...when it sells...I am leaving Florida. New York, California, Chicago..I don't know..but I am going to be done with this place. I love some things about it..mostly the people...and Universal..but still... I was talking to someone the other day at work and I constantly find myself saying things and then going...that's good advice...why don't I do that? The current piece of advice was "Why not do something when you have the opportunity? Why stay somewhere simply because that's where you are? When you can go...go." So that's what I am going to do. When I can go...I am going. So..here I go.

Scared, Confused, Angry, Disappointed

I am sitting in my room...where I've locked myself in...to try to keep the world out. It's just too much right now. I could have cancer, I may just have a cyst, I could end up sexually disfunctional, or sterile, I don't know what I want, I don't know who I want to be there. I just want to the world to stay out. I want to leave my body, leave my feelings, and just exist for a while without any need for anything. But I don't know how to do that. Everyone keeps telling me, everything will be fine... because no one EVER says "Well, ya know what? Everything might not be fine. There is a chance you have cancer. There is a chance that the next few months will be filled with Chemo, pain, vomitting, and a complete lack of sexual function. There is a chance that for the rest of your life you will feverishly check for lumps daily in fear of a relapse. There is a chance you might not even wake up from the surgery on Tuesday." I am scared. More scared than I have ever been in my whole life...and I don't want to let anyone in. I have been throwing myself at everything else in my life to keep from thinking about the truth. I have been being angry at JP for doing what JP does. Fixating on the apartment and every task that I do to try to keep it livable and blaming my other roommates for not doing the same. I have been thowing myself into a relationship that I am not sure I am 100% into. I have been working and dealing with work constantly. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this. I am strong...everyone keeps telling me how strong I am. Even before this... I am strong for dealing with my mother, I am strong for caring for my family. I am just strong...but I have never felt so weak as I do right now. I go into surgery on Tuesday knowing nothing...spending money I don't have. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to put my fists through walls. I am 25. I am TWENTY FIVE. I realize I have good things in my life. I realize that I have people who love me very much and people that I love very much. I realize that I have made accomplishments thus far. But I also realize..that much like this death that is growing inside me...I am going to have to eliminate some of the things that make me feel this way...even if I am scared of the process and what it may cause. I am scared. I am really scared.

Fears

Sometimes I think I am a horrible person. I am finding it very difficult to feel happy for people I love when they get parts they want or feel sympathy when they don't get parts they want. Because I can't even audition. I feel bad about it...I hate myself for it. I know that this job was my choice...I know it's the smart thing...I know that it pays more than I would probably ever make in theater...but I feel like a part of me is missing...a very happy part of me. And others are noticing too. I was a happier person when I was paying my bills with the change that I found in my couch cushions and a 600 dollar pay check was something to celebrate(Not to mention probably a quarter of my yearly salary). I find myself not even wanting to go see theater because it stirs the artist in me...wakens the hunger that lies just below the surface most of the time and pulls it to the front...scratching and clawing it's way through my being. Part of me keeps telling myself that if I just wait a few years I'll be high enough that I will have time for theater again..and another part of myself tells me that if I even just wait until school is out I'll have time again...but there is part of me that is starving. And eventually I will have to feed it or I fear it will die and with it the friendships I cherish most of all.