At a loss

This is the first time I have ever sat down to my blog and not been able to put my thoughts and feelings down quickly and accurately.  So much has happened in the last few days.  I ran into the man I loved with the man he broke me with.  I cried at the vets office.  I gave up my baby girl so that I can have a clean break from the sickness.  That is what I have taken to thinking of him and my remaining anger and feelings towards him as....the sickness.  That is the easiest way for me to package the feelings...as a foreign body that at some point in the near future my immune system will take care of.  I don't want to hate him...I don't want to feel anything for him.  I walked with that rock in my shoe for so long that without it there...my shoe feels empty.  I feel empty.  I am quickly falling down the stairs...hitting every one on the way down.  It just seems like...at this moment...the universe is taking away everything I thought I had after the break-up.  I was happy...or at least able to fake happy enough to even fool myself.  I had met a great guy...who really liked me...  I had my new home that I loved... I had my dog that I love...  I still had Julian sometimes...  I was feeling great... and optimistic... and ignored the emptiness.  The guy can't feel the way he wants to for me...for unknown reasons.  My home is wonderful...but empty.  Blot isn't well according to the vet.  I had to let Julian go for the sake of everyone involved.  I WAS feeling great...Now all I feel is the emptiness...and I try to fill it with things.  Wine...beer...food.  But it always comes up feeling empty.  I have wonderful friends.  I have wonderful family.  But I miss having someone to hold.  I miss knowing someone is either waiting for me at home...or they will be happy to know I am waiting for them.  I miss feeling...whole.  So I am at a loss...for what?  I don't know.  Please don't worry about me...just doing what I do...this is how I express my feelings...I let them pour out of me through my keyboard..cascade across the screen...and then I can read them and only then know how I feel.  I am just...lost and so tired...so...very tired...and lost.