Tuesday, August 06, 2013
People and Lessons
Saturday, July 13, 2013
When The House Wins
Sunday, June 02, 2013
Changing Labels
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Heartbranded
Having just gone through/still going through it, I find the term heartbreak to be absolutely inaccurate. When something is broken it no longer works. It is thrown across the area in various pieces, only vaguely resembling it's whole self. But my heart still works. In fact, it is as if it is working too well. It is so full of conflicting emotion I feel it could burst at any minute. It's steady drumbeat now more often like hooves of a charging nightmare than the rhythmic metronome that my mind is accustomed. And yes I feel, at times, that my heart has been divided and that he took a few carefully selected pieces with him. But it wasn't shattered or smashed...it was sliced with surgical precision and the edges cauterized. This is much more like a burn. Searing pain at first, unlike anything you think you have ever felt. Hot metal on flesh, placing his mark in you forever. A constant sting after that and a tightness that only time will heal. Then one day you feel you are healed, that the sting has finally subsided, until an unexpected gentle prod brings the pain back anew. A song on the radio, a joke you shared, waking up and reaching out for what your heart tells you is there but your mind reminds you is not, your phantom companion, plans for the future that now have a void, a chance meeting in a pet supply store. Yes eventually the pain does go away. The wound scars over. Your brand a reminder of the careless person you gave possession of your heart. Just an observation as I sit here and marvel at the scabs. This is not a break. This is a burn. R.F. forever branded me. But there is a light other than the harsh glow of red metal. The brand works as a reminder of good and bad. Light and dark. Horrible burns and scabs giving way to new flesh and new life. My heart may be branded but it is not broken and I will give it away again. Perfect in it's imperfection.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Intentionally Losing Hope
Friday, March 01, 2013
At a loss
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Still turning pages
So I have been rereading this blog over the past few days and what a journey it has been. A lot of it is missing...gaps left by disinterest on my part or being to excited or devestated to write. I went from a confused young man who was desperate to conform to what everyone else thought he should be to man who, though sometimes still confused, knows exactly who he is and takes pride in it. I came out to my parents. I loved and lost several times, all significant but one life changing. I am now out on my own. My own apartment and my own life. I'm still filling pages...so keep turning them. :-)
A Letter To Him
You know that I have fallen. It is obvious to everyone around us. You are everything that I want and need. You tell me I am perfect. You buy me gifts and make excuses for us to spend time together. Just fall with me. There are no more of me in the world. There are no more of you in the world. We are it. I have been gone since the moment you kissed me in the game...and then you found yourself 24 hours later because you are scared. I am waiting. I am hoping and wishing and praying and screaming inside hoping that you will just let yourself fall. Just give up and let yourself want what you wanted 3 months ago. I know I shouldn't be waiting. I know that I should move on. But I also know that you are one in a hundred million billion and if I walk away...that could be it. I see our future. I see what it could be if we let it. It could be laughing and late night video games and food and desserts and friends and love...so much love. I hold back constantly now. I don't say any of this for fear of frightening you away but I see it. You are truly the kindest, sweetest, most beautiful person I have met up to this point in my life. You were wrong when you told me I was perfect. I am only one yes away from that. If you aren't "the one" then the universe has quite the surprise in mind for me. But I found you by accident, I fell by accident, and I am hoping you find this by accident and let yourself fall again.
Sincerely falling,
The Yes That Needs To Be Said
P.S.-This letter has been sponsored by Tequila, a cold night, and impatience.